Soulmates

This is a rare post for me. For once I’m not got to sit here and vent to you about my day, my life. This isn’t a ‘woe is me’, ‘doom and gloom’ post.

No more than a year and a half ago I was in a terrible place in my life and I was doing terrible things. I would drink to much, and hurt people that were close to me. I had two best friends and one night when I had had too much to drink, I let one of the best friend’s boyfriends stay at mine. I may have been a lot of things, but I was always honest. So I told her, they had gotten back together and I was tarred as the villain, which I deserved. About 4 or 5 months later I did the same to my other best friend. This time I made her boyfriend tell her, I wanted him to be able to spin it in his own way so that maybe she could still forgive him. It didn’t work, she didn’t speak to either of us again and I don’t blame her. There are no excuses for treating someone you care about like this, or anyone for that matter. I wont sit here and try to justify it because I can’t. I hated life, was angry at the world and drank so much I couldn’t think or see, but I made those choices.

So flash forward to now, a year and a half later. I’m married to someone I didn’t even know 10 months ago. And it is by far the best decision I have ever made. I changed a lot of aspects of my life, I quit uni, I cut down on drinking dramatically, I don’t go out and I have about two friends; and they know everything about me (even what I did to my previous best friends). My lifestyle caught up with me. I flirted with the wrong person. Drinking and bad decisions made my mental health so much worse. I could barely leave the house. Yet, one day when a complete stranger added me on facebook and messaged me, I replied. A friend I knew from uni had told him to message me, she thought we’d be a good match, she obviously knew me better than I knew  myself at that point.

It was hard for me to go on dates because leaving the house was a huge thing and I could barely last an hour without having panic attacks. But, when he messaged me asking to meet up I just thought that I should give this one a try. To be honest I didn’t like him at all at first. He had completely opposite views to me. I thought he was ignorant and selfish and I was adamant that his political views made him a bad person. I was clearly the ignorant one at the time. In many other aspects we were similar, I thought too similar. It made us clash, we were both too stubborn and hot headed so we were constantly fighting from the beginning; but we balanced each other out. I had never had someone challenge me, argue back, talk to me and debate with me. Despite the fact that I disliked him so much, something kept on telling me to keep trying and see where it went. I just thought this feeling was because I had dated for so long and desperately wanted it to go somewhere. I realise now that wasn’t it at all, I hadn’t even wanted a relationship at the time, it was something inside me saying that there was something special there.

Things moved unusually quickly between us, I said I love you way too soon but it didn’t seem to matter, he reciprocated it. Distance was hard from the beginning. We’d fight about everything and anything. Once, I got upset because he showered just before going out with his friends in his home town. I guess  I was jealous and paranoid, a feeling that hasn’t gone away. The distance is still a struggle, he has to go away a lot for work and I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere. When someone practically saves you from being a shell of who you were, they become everything to you. With him gone I’m pretty much that little empty shell again, except I still have him so I know it will be okay.

I still can’t put my finger on what exactly is so different about this relationship, what makes me know that he is my soulmate when this is a phenomena I had never believed in before. Maybe it’s that we are always honest, that we except each others past and how we’ve both grown as people together. Maybe it’s because for the first time in my life, someone has listened to how I feel, and instead of belittling me and those feelings, believes and fully supports me. Whatever it is, I know this is something more extraordinary than your average relationship. He makes me feel like everything is okay, even if its only briefly, that life is worth living because I have him to wake up to. I never saw myself having a long life, I never looked to the future or imagined what it would be like as I got older. But I see a future with him, for the first time, I see myself as an old lady, sat next to my husband, probably still playing video games and drinking beer.

My husband is more than my soulmate, he is my saviour, for I don’t know where I would be without him.